16 days to December 25th

It's December. And what does December remind me the most? Christmas. I kinda hate knowing Christmas is near because it reminds me that I'm alone. I'll be spending Christmas alone. Single. Not having my family to celebrate Christmas. Not celebrating it with my friends as well because they will be having their white Christmas with their family and other friends. It sucks and yes I have to deal with it.

Another sucky part about December is my birthday. I really look forward to my birthday every year. But the thing is, it often ends with disappointment: closest friends forgot my birthday, been broke, single and alone, hell I don't think my parents even remember my birthday if my sister didn't tell them.

I'm starting to give up on the whole Christmas magic and spirit thingy, even starting to give up hoping. I'm also starting to hate birthdays. Because I prayed, I asked and I worked for so many things and they just never happened or came true. It's illy but I do wish something magically, some pleasant surprises happen on my so-called-important days.

People who read this (even though I believe no one reads this blog) will say that I'm selfish and not being grateful. Well wanting some things doesn't make one become selfish an ungrateful. Besides, growing up, I didn't have that much either.

As much as I'm bracing myself to face the holiday season, I don't wanna be alone for my birthday, Christmas and New year. sigh...

Men and Their New "Social Struggle"

Last Saturday I went to my 1st ever male 'beauty' pageant, Mr. International 2010. Yes, it was a beauty pageant for guys (even though 'beauty' may not be the most appropriate word). And no, it's nothing to do with bodybuilding. Well, except for those sculpted abs and biceps, as additions to the gorgeous look. I can't say the event was not interesting at all. I was practically smiling and giggling throughout the show. And when I add the words 'swim suit competition', I bet you all will understand.

Aside from the cute guys lining on the stage, half of Jakarta's metrosexuals apparently attended the event. Some girls were there, but in a very rough calculation, the ratio of girl to guy was around 1:5. Surprising turnout for a male pageant? I don't think so. If you're gifted with the GayDar, then it must had been beeping like crazy there. On that night, looking stunning was not only for the 40 finalists who came from around the globe. If they open the stage for a runway show, the majority of the guests can be on that runway. Even though the invitation said 'Suit' as the event's dress code, you would find it very difficult to see guys wearing cocktail-suit. All you can see were silver/shiny blazer and pants, tight shirt with slim tie, skinny jeans and other clothing that screamed "party time at the club!". Me? I wore my boring corporate-look black blazer and pants, white shirt with blue streaks, and slim blue tie which I'd taken off before the show started.

After I got back from the show, I kept on thinking about how having good physical appearance is a must for Jakartan guys nowadays (it may not be specific to Jakarta). Jakartan guys are in someway forced to go to gym to get their 6-pack abs, wear fashionable outfits that exemplify their biceps, use fancy grooming products and other efforts to make sure when they walk that mall lobbies, girls (and gays) will turn their head or at least glance at them.

I kinda think that the gay guys have something to do with this new trend.It's obvious on how gay guys are 'obliged' to look good. Hey, it's a tough market out there and we have to make sure that other gay guys can recognize us, their future lover *wink*, easily in this bustling, ever-moving city. But why is it so about physical appearance? If you're asking that question, perhaps you haven't been introduced to a species of Homo Sapiens called men. Men is all about visual. That is just how they were assembled in the factory. That is also why women spent millions of Dollars (yes, Dollars) on their dress, make up, liposuction and Botox since guys look at their boobs and butts, not their eyes. So girls, next time think again if you want to buy expensive mascara and eyeliner. You may want to consider buying some push-up bras. Just a suggestion. And when it comes to gay guys, the "visual" nature becomes stronger since they need to attract their fellow species who are obviously all about visual. That is perhaps the reason of why this new culture all started.

Now the pressure of looking good is not only exclusive to the gay community. The virus has spread to heterosexual guys who are battling their way to get attention from the urban girls. Why so? Well men, both hetero and gay, are subject to the basic law of evolution. Adaptation is an obligation if they are to survive and sustain their existence in the fierce urban competition of lifestyle, social status and sexual pleasures. Girls nowadays don't only look for guys with kind heart, warm smile and pleasant personality. Aside from thick pocket, high-class status and future financial investment, girls nowadays are looking for guys who look great, physically fit and good in bed. These girls want to make sure when they come to a wedding reception, other girls will mumble "lucky bitch" when they look at the guy holding their hand. Not to mention their gay friends who would totally go bitchy and sarcastic when their girl friend introduce her new sloppy-looking boyfriend who happens to have a PhD. Brain? doesn't sell. So when people say, "Don't judge the book by its cover," they're actually saying, "I'm not attractive and try to make a excuse of being so." People judge and they do it in split second when you first meet them., thus proving that looking good is just another part of the current social structure.

Well, on the behalf of the gay community I would sincerely apologize if you, heterosexual guys out there, is living under this great pressure of the new social norm. So, just a tip for you, gays and non-gays: just throw away your baggy jeans and forget that messy-out-of-the-bed look. Jakarta is a jungle. And by jungle I mean it in a Lipstick Jungle kinda way where Zara and Top Man determine who deserve to be on the top of the food chain.

Your life. On a Banner.

Imagine if your life is a roll-up banner, X-banner, or whatever type of banner. Banner. What would you write on it? I'm not suggesting something like: Beloved father, loyal husband and caring friend. It's not a tombstone you're writing on. It's a banner. A wide piece of cloth/plastics that people strech up in the air accross a road or the ones that people display on a steel frame in malls, in public. What would you write?

Most of you may want to write your name. You can. But come on people, be more original. Besides, others will judge you on first name basis. You know, all the philosophical, cultural and religous atributes that may be embedded in your name. Most people expect you to live up to your name. If not, they will try to link your name with your looks, origin, educational background, occupation and all social status you may posses. If you live up to that pre-conceived image, then a smile will greet you. So now, ever wonder why some would frown at the sound of your name?

Or do you let others write them for the you. Have them pick the words, punctutuation,precise grammatical structures that prevent ambiguity? You may say that people know you better since they're the ones observing your every action and then translate them into a perception of you in their brain, thus YOU are what they think and say. But is that how it suppose to work? I'm not into the whole 'be yourself' lecture. One could argue that one's concept of 'self' is an ever-evolving identity that is dynamic and will keep on changing even after the person's gone. So let's get back to the question, what would you write on yor banner?

Blogging Overture 1

Ok, I've been meaning to post 2 writings since yesterday but been delayed with lotsa (insignificant) stuffs.

The funny thing is that, while procrastinating I just feel energized when I think about the writings I'll be posting. It feels 'good' knowing that I have things to write and not having my blog being set aside for long. Well, it has been set aside for looong time.

So while waiting the two writings that I mentioned to be posted, hopefully this short-mundane-insignificant post can keep you company. Again, hopefully. *fingers creossed*

Solace?

I remember the times when I was in college, while I was still staying in my old rented room. Griya Satria, yes that's the name. I remember the bed, the balcony in front of my room, the people, the good times.

I remember how I liked to watch DVD during night time while having snack. And yes I called a plate of fried rice as snack. I did that when I had not much to do. Or depressed. It was quite a solace for me.

Now. A couple of years after I moves from that room, living in a new one, I'm doing the same thing. Watching DVD, munching, at night time. Not all the time. Just now. Fat alert? totally. My friends used to call it binge eating. They claimed it makes you happy. Well it kinda did. It temporalily distracted me from whatever I was thinking. Things that was splitting my head and breaking my heart.

Now. I'm repracticing that old routine, hoping that I can feel a little bit happy before I close my day and start a new one, filled with struggle. Why I'm doing that? Especially considering how well I've managed my diet and habit? In a nutshell: my love life sucks; my friendships are sinking; other than that, prety flat. Nothing. So I guess I tried to bury myself with work. Guess what? I'm afraid I'm gonna flunk it as well.

So here I am. Cup noodles, some pieces of chicken, coffee and DVDs. Fulll belly, empty heart. Happy? I don't know.

The Government is Knocking on Our Bedroom Door

Government: knock knock!

Citizen: Did u just knocked?

Government: Nope. I just made a sound as if I was knocking.

Citizen: uh ok. So, is there anything wrong?

Government: well it depends.

Citizen: Depends on what?

Government: Depends on how much you've paid to me.

Citizen: I've paid my income tax. I always vote during election. Well, I've PAID my dues.

Government: nah.. I don't really care about that.

Citizen: So? Don't you think it's inappropriate to knock on someone's door at this hour. 2 am if you haven't noticed.

Government: Remember, I didn't knocked. I made a sound. Besides you opened the door. And last time I checked you've relinquished a part of your freedom.

Citizen: I did. So you will make sure that people don't knock on my door at 2 frickin am!

Government: Well, I'm no people. I'm made of words and promises that stretch.

Citizen: Still, it doesn't give you right to come intrude into my bedroom.

Government: Dude, I define right. You just happen to believe I define it for your own good.

Citizen: So why are you here again?

Government: oh nothing, boring discussions. another corruption case. I'm bored. So I want to know what u're doing. You know a little variation from daily routines.

Citizen: Ok that's it. I'm calling the cop.

Government: err.. did u forget that they worked for me.

Citizen: What? They're independent!

Government: nah.. I want you to believe they are.

Citizen: Then I'll sue. Class action. We'll meet in supreme court.

Government: oh... they're under my control as well. Sorry dude, reality bites.

Citizen: Grrr... I'm closing the door.

Government: oh.. not so fast. Are you sleeping alone?

Citizen: No. And that doesn't concern you.

Government: Girlfriend?

Citizen: Why does that even matter to you if I've been dating her for 3 years now?!?

Government: So just "girlfriend"?

Citizen: Yes! now scram!!

Government: Well sorry dude, I gotta let the cops arrest you.

Citizen: WHAT??!! I'm doing nothing wrong.

Government: Let me break it down for you. You're sleeping with illegitimate spouse, not even a spouse. It violates my law since you're doing adultery. And...

Citizen: I'm doing in in my own room! I didn't invite anyone or harm anyone with what I did. You don't even know her for God's sake.

Government: Hey, I allow you to trust God, but it doesn't mean that you can use His Name like that. I can mobilize my religious anarchist group to make you learn the lesson. I can just tell them you're doing blasphemy. And to continue my sentence that you cut.. you're doing an action, which I don't approve, in your room in my country's territory. So yes, you fall under my law.

Citizen: This is ridiculous!

Government: Ah! another violation: slander! You're so busted dude.

Citizen: I'm innocent!!

Government: Well I don't care. Enjoy your room, behind the bars.

Government: (oh my I can't wait for tomorrow's headline. I'm a hero.)

Half of A Pair

Depression lurks in the back of your mind,
a gaping emptiness devoid of soul.
Feelings clash, often becoming unkind,
as total sadness envelops you whole.

As encroaching walls get harder to bear
you seek romance in the pages of a book.
Memories of laughter echo silent there,
yet your misery deepens and you feel forsook.

Spurned by love anxieties start to climb,
you're alone and will be forever it seems.
You feel trapped and running out of time,
as disappearing hopes scatter your dreams.

Your quest for love has tested your soul,
your heart’s ignored and cast aside by fate.
Struggling inside, feelings fight for control,
you’re devastated for lack of a mate.

Abandoned by a love you sought to share,
you're left with pain and feelings of dread.
Always alone, only half of a pair,
loneliness causes years of tears to be shed.

by: Emile
Posted in http://allpoetry.com/poem/6418935