January kicks in pretty well.
1st: I've graduated, finished all campus administration, and now just waiting for the graduation ceremony.
2nd: I'm going back home. For that one, I'm not sure if that's a good thing since I'm not a fan of being at home. My life is going on a slow moving phase now. Still adjusting, and I hope it's a good start before the fast-working-lane.
3rd: I met a great person. I'm starting to like that person. A concern: It's going really well and a bit fast. I feel great about this new "thing", but my paranoid side just keep on putting all this "what if" scenario. Perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt again, but... I don't know. I really don't want to think ahead of myself now. I just want to enjoy this moment.
4th: I've sent my application to several companies, hoping to get good response and of course a good job.
Hoping January gets better as it's approacing its end. *fingers crossed*
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Saturday, December 26, 2009
My Best Buddies
Saturday, December 26, 2009 at 11:20 am
Here's the thing. I don't have many guy pals/male friends/boy friends (trying to avoid the ambiguity) or whatever they may be called. Don't ask me why, because I really don't know. Well, I know. I don't click with the stereotypical guys: those who's trying so hard to defend their masculinity, like football/basketball, etc. My boy pals are usually those who are not popular in school/campus, but you definitely know they are great guys. Let me put it this way, there are two kinds of guys who women date: the guy who take you out and the guys who hold you hand. My boy pals are usually the second type.
Talking about my boy pal, I got reminded of my two dear friends: Sam and Yehuda. I talked to Sam this morning when he called me to say Happy Birthday (kinda 6 days late, Sam. Thx Anyway ^^). Yehuda also texted me this morning reminding me of our get-together on Wednesday. It's been a while since we met, and I do miss them (not in a gayish way).
Sam used to be my roommate in college. After 3 years together, he moved out not long before he graduated his diploma-3 program. We've known each other since high school, sat next to each other in school even during the entrance exam. At the 2nd year of college, Sam and I moved to a new place and there we met Yehuda. I remember the 1st time he knocked at our door and gave a warm welcome to the place. Yeah, he was sort of the gank leader in the place hehehe...
These two guys are the best guy pals I've had. They're mature, smart, and fun. The world doesn't produce that kind of guys anymore, so it was a privilege for me to know them. I can't forget the night chat we usually had. We talked about everything. When they found out about me (?? hehe..) they're very open and completely cool about it.
The hardest thing was when I had to part with them, when they had to move out. First Sam, then a year from that, Yehuda. It was really hard seeing them left and not having to see them regularly. When Sam left, I felt like being pushed to face reality. As if his leaving forced me to grow up. Apparently, sam leaving is just a beginning. Then Yehuda left. Man that was hard. I had to leave my comfort zone. When I had trouble and I need to talk to them, I found them... not there. I got so used to them because they're simply great people who listen to my stories and gives good advice. It was so comfortable for me. Again, it was hard after they left.
So, Sam and Yehuda, you guys know how much you mean to me (ok.. that sounds quite weird) and thank you for forcing me to grow up. Can hardly wait to meet you on Wednesday.
ps: I'll try to get a picture of the three of us on Wednesday.
Here's the thing. I don't have many guy pals/male friends/boy friends (trying to avoid the ambiguity) or whatever they may be called. Don't ask me why, because I really don't know. Well, I know. I don't click with the stereotypical guys: those who's trying so hard to defend their masculinity, like football/basketball, etc. My boy pals are usually those who are not popular in school/campus, but you definitely know they are great guys. Let me put it this way, there are two kinds of guys who women date: the guy who take you out and the guys who hold you hand. My boy pals are usually the second type.
Talking about my boy pal, I got reminded of my two dear friends: Sam and Yehuda. I talked to Sam this morning when he called me to say Happy Birthday (kinda 6 days late, Sam. Thx Anyway ^^). Yehuda also texted me this morning reminding me of our get-together on Wednesday. It's been a while since we met, and I do miss them (not in a gayish way).
Sam used to be my roommate in college. After 3 years together, he moved out not long before he graduated his diploma-3 program. We've known each other since high school, sat next to each other in school even during the entrance exam. At the 2nd year of college, Sam and I moved to a new place and there we met Yehuda. I remember the 1st time he knocked at our door and gave a warm welcome to the place. Yeah, he was sort of the gank leader in the place hehehe...
These two guys are the best guy pals I've had. They're mature, smart, and fun. The world doesn't produce that kind of guys anymore, so it was a privilege for me to know them. I can't forget the night chat we usually had. We talked about everything. When they found out about me (?? hehe..) they're very open and completely cool about it.
The hardest thing was when I had to part with them, when they had to move out. First Sam, then a year from that, Yehuda. It was really hard seeing them left and not having to see them regularly. When Sam left, I felt like being pushed to face reality. As if his leaving forced me to grow up. Apparently, sam leaving is just a beginning. Then Yehuda left. Man that was hard. I had to leave my comfort zone. When I had trouble and I need to talk to them, I found them... not there. I got so used to them because they're simply great people who listen to my stories and gives good advice. It was so comfortable for me. Again, it was hard after they left.
So, Sam and Yehuda, you guys know how much you mean to me (ok.. that sounds quite weird) and thank you for forcing me to grow up. Can hardly wait to meet you on Wednesday.
ps: I'll try to get a picture of the three of us on Wednesday.
Friday, December 25, 2009
the Question of Identity*
A couple of days ago, I had a chat with a friend of mine. Out of nowhere I asked her, "have you ever hated yourself, I mean really feel disgusted with yourself?" Shockingly, she said yes. "I don’t know, but I often feel that I'm not pretty. My skin is dark and my hair is like this, not really like other beautiful girls." Just to picture her a bit, she is this exotic-tanned girl with beautiful wavy hair, uniquely beautiful facial features and a cool sense of style. I was kind of surprised to hear her say that because she's also a smart girl with a personality, yet she doesn't feel comfortable in her own skin.
That's very common among youth. The problem is not whether a person realizes that he/she is beautiful/handsome, it’s more to the idea that he/she dislikes him or herself. It may sound superficial. I mean, why are appearances make such a big deal anyway? Arguably they do. It is a big part that contributes to one's self esteem and identity. People are being judged merely from their appearances on a daily basis and that’s not completely wrong because if you don’t want to be considered as something or someone you don’t want to, then appear appropriately. Nevertheless, the society becomes fiercer. You are what you look. Period.
The conditions that we often call as 'fashion victim', 'dumb blonde', or even to the extreme as bulimic/anorexic and 'beef stud' may be the results of this classic ongoing phenomenon of not having a clear identity of oneself. In this case, is it because of our own choice to have a bad opinion of ourselves? Perhaps it is, but what if we are left with no choice but to think that we are never good enough? What if we are shaped by the society to think that way? To think that there is always a standard upon everything and when someone doesn't fit to the standard, then the person is simply wrong?
Having to ponder about this issue for quite some time, I was reminded of a movie I watched in my Asian Cinema class, Raise the Red Lantern. This is a very beautiful typical art house movie with a very strong Oriental touch. Set in China at the 1930's, the story revolves around a woman named Song Lian (played by Gong Li) who got married to Master Chen as his fourth wife. Even though she was a university student, she finally succumbs to the reality that she has to be married. When she first arrived to the Chen's family, she didn't really care about the family’s tradition and also the competition among Mr. Chen's wives. As time passes by, the scandals, the pressure and all the reality that happen inside that confined little world forces Song Lian to fit in and even made her do things that she regretted in the end.
At the last scene of the movie, Song Lian is shown as being a mentally disrupted person, walking around in the house surrounded by strong and sturdy walls. The interesting part of the movie is how it really portrays the social construction in an extreme and vivid way. Even though the story has a strong sense of feminism, but the value is applicable in the general society. The dull and thick walls of the house represent the mightiness of social construction. When I say social construction, I'm talking about all the standards, customs, set of rules, perceptions, and stereotypes that the society possesses and imposes upon its members. Just like the wall, the social construction is built and stands throughout the ages with minor changes in it. Its pervasiveness forces its member to adhere to the construction and whoever strays, has to bear the consequences. In Song Lian’s case, the consequence is to become what the society considers as crazy. That’s the reality in the jungle. Peer groups, media and even parents perpetuate the idea of having a common standard that one must fulfill in order to live in the society. In shaping one’s identity, role models, friends and general images play a major influence. In most cases, lots of young people are being driven by that influence and also the need to be accepted. Thus throughout the process they lose themselves and become someone that they’re not.
Society construction is also about stereotype and paradigm. Every society has its own set of stereotype labeled upon certain groups inside it. The construction forces the individuals to live according to their set stereotype and when a new person is entering the society then he/she will be assigned to a certain stereotype. Assigned and stuck in it for good. This concept became real for me during a national competition to become a young ambassador for a regional association. One part of the selection is the interview with a panel of judges from a governmental institution. The interview aimed to see the personality and quality of each individual and how they can represent Indonesia. I’m a Chinese-Indonesian and surprisingly all the questions asked are about me being a Chinese-Indonesian. That's it. This was weird, disturbing and ironic because I consider myself as an Indonesian who is a Chinese descendant, not a Chinese who lives in Indonesia. But from the questions, they didn’t see me as an Indonesian. The most annoying part was when I tried to show the other side of me aside from being Chinese, they shift the discussion again about my being Chinese. “You are different because you are Chinese,” the sentence they said after I tried to show my quality as an individual. I embrace my ethnicity, I love it, but I don’t want to be seen as simply a Chinese.
It really annoys me because this is the reality in the society. If you have small eyes, fair skin and black straight hair, then you’re identified with being stingy, being a merchant, and only goes to a certain university with computer science or business as your major. The very existence of stereotype is certainly a bad thing because it limits a person room to develop him/herself. It also conveys the shallowness of how one thinks of another as if the real quality of a person subsided under the shadow of stereotyping. And just like a legacy, stereotype is being passed down from one generation to another and become a seems-to-be truism.
With this prevalent circumstance, in the surface people seem to be okay, but the water is bubbling. There are people who demand changes in social perception towards its member. I truly believe that everyone wants to be seen as individuals and not living pieces of meat that only act according to what it is tagged. But with the risk of being socially exiled and considered as deviants, lots of people, youth especially, chooses to live under the cloak and mask that they think will make them get accepted and live their live through the construction. Not to judge, but is that what construe as being a person/individual? Does individuality really that bad? Being comfortable in one’s own skin is indeed not easy. With the self-liberty and true enjoyment of life as the price, does it worth it to swim against the current? You be the judge.
-LSy-
* The article was also published in www.qbheadlines.com
Remember the Victory
Remember the victory, o Alexander, remember the victory
Remember the gallop, the celebration, the feast
Remember the touch of sun blinding your eyes after you're done plunging to the dark
Remember the touch of the ones who called out your name, who called you hero, who called you a beast, who called you a man
Remember the pain, o Alexander, remember the sorrow
Remember the bruise, the scar, the blood
Remember the tears, o Alexander, inside the captivity, amidst the filth, under the exile
Remember the grief, the lost, the humiliation, the disarray
Remember the shout, the throw of stones, the hope that's lost
Remember all of them, Alexander, remember them
because a new victory is at the dawn of the day.
-LS-
Remember the gallop, the celebration, the feast
Remember the touch of sun blinding your eyes after you're done plunging to the dark
Remember the touch of the ones who called out your name, who called you hero, who called you a beast, who called you a man
Remember the pain, o Alexander, remember the sorrow
Remember the bruise, the scar, the blood
Remember the tears, o Alexander, inside the captivity, amidst the filth, under the exile
Remember the grief, the lost, the humiliation, the disarray
Remember the shout, the throw of stones, the hope that's lost
Remember all of them, Alexander, remember them
because a new victory is at the dawn of the day.
-LS-
the Notes
Finally the internet connection works! Actually I have a final project to finish soon, but what the hell, let me take a break for a moment.
After I've done with managing the games I play in FB (yeah, I can be a bit obsessive-compulsive when it comes to managing stuffs), I run out things to do nevertheless I still want to browse the internet. Thus, I finally decided to re-read my notes.
After reading some notes, I said to myself, "Wow.. you were (or maybe are) really f*cked up, Sur. U sounded miserable and pathetic." Perhaps. An interesting thing is that most of them revolve on the same issue and person. Yes, when they say love hurts, they ain't talking sh*t man. Another thing is that the person who became the focus of most of my notes, doesn't realize it at all. Well, why would the person realize it? I believe that reading people's notes in FB doesn't equal to crunching numbers as what that person usually does. Every single time anything with the person's name pop out in FB, YM!, anything, my heart just pounding hard. I can't deny having feelings for that person, but after quite some time being ignored, taken for granted, and disappointed, those feelings are surely turning to spite. Now, I hate having my heart racing every time I read a message from that person. I hate having myself hoping. So now, let's try this, "I don't give a damn and you should to. I'm nothing for you, and that is just like what you wanted me to be. If u feel annoyed by me, then just ignore me. Wait, u did, didn't you?"
All in all, I don't believe I have a problem. Perhaps you do.
Whew, all those from reading notes.
-LSy-
After I've done with managing the games I play in FB (yeah, I can be a bit obsessive-compulsive when it comes to managing stuffs), I run out things to do nevertheless I still want to browse the internet. Thus, I finally decided to re-read my notes.
After reading some notes, I said to myself, "Wow.. you were (or maybe are) really f*cked up, Sur. U sounded miserable and pathetic." Perhaps. An interesting thing is that most of them revolve on the same issue and person. Yes, when they say love hurts, they ain't talking sh*t man. Another thing is that the person who became the focus of most of my notes, doesn't realize it at all. Well, why would the person realize it? I believe that reading people's notes in FB doesn't equal to crunching numbers as what that person usually does. Every single time anything with the person's name pop out in FB, YM!, anything, my heart just pounding hard. I can't deny having feelings for that person, but after quite some time being ignored, taken for granted, and disappointed, those feelings are surely turning to spite. Now, I hate having my heart racing every time I read a message from that person. I hate having myself hoping. So now, let's try this, "I don't give a damn and you should to. I'm nothing for you, and that is just like what you wanted me to be. If u feel annoyed by me, then just ignore me. Wait, u did, didn't you?"
All in all, I don't believe I have a problem. Perhaps you do.
Whew, all those from reading notes.
-LSy-
the Ghost of the Past, the Present and the Future
After I let my mind go wreaking havoc in its own dimension, I cooled down and pondered why these rush of feelings came uninvited? Was it because of last night’s rendezvous? Was it just an anxiety I felt after meeting my professor? Dunno. The reasons, I guess, are all mixed up and every events happened yesterday took part in building the rage and anxiety. At that moment I, aside from cursing, wished that things can just go back the way they were eight months ago. Make it nine considering it’s almost the end of the month. Nevertheless, as it is utopian, things can never go back the way they were.
That is one of the things I've finally learned to realize for the past several months. Hearing that sentence makes me feel like being hit by darts right on the scars I have in my heart. Well, I'm not a really a person who lives in the moment. I linger on past and hold on unto future. Thus, when talking about pasts, the phrase that will often pass through is 'what if?'. I can't say that I'm not grateful for everything I have now and also what I had in the past, it's just… I still feel that I've lost the best things I had in life. Love, opportunity, knowledge, time, a lot of things. When I made the decision to go, I thought that when I come back, I'll just have to adjust myself for a while and then things will go back as the way they were. But they never did.
I hit rock bottom several times trying to revive what I had on the past. I forgot that I have a present to live in and future waited to be filled. It was not easy. Nevertheless, I refused to give in, so did my friends. They refused to see me sink in so deep and finally dragged me back to life. I managed to survive and learn that things will never be the same. I learned to realize that the past will always live and become an inseparable part of me but it's my choice whether to live in it, linger on it or moving on just like life keeps on going. By going on, it also means letting go. Stuffs that I keep inside the cabinet of my life will clutter it in the end if I still cling on them and not allowing the cabinet to be cleaned.
Life can never be the same. The grand memories I had will never come back again. Nevertheless, it doesn't mean that the present and especially the future are not worth living in. It will be beautiful and full of excitements. It will teach new things, bring new people, and more great experiences. I'm not living the life that has completely changed inside out. The remains of my past will become a lesson to guide me in choosing my future but will never hamper me from enjoying the present. I'm now embracing my present, thankful for my past and can't wait to see the future.
-LSy-
Hopeful? Yeah Right.
Here's the thing. Hope is a double-edged sword. It's sharp enough to cut through the bushes and thorns of loneliness. It's so strong to push through the ceiling so that the ray of light can come and shine in. Nevertheless like other weaponries, it's dangerous. It's too sharp that you will find yourself sliced in some parts after using it. It's also heavy enough for you to keep on carrying. Having those choices, which one lures people the most, the benefit you may get or the pain you may suffer?
In my opinion, a never-failing hope is none existence. In some part of the way, you may find that the things you expect the most will fail you. It gives you a bliss when you know there is a possibility of getting what you want. But at some point the sweet fruit turns sour. Some thinks it's just a form of a test to spice things up and to culminate the joy when the hope is fulfilled. It generates the sense that the wait is worthwhile. But does the spikes and hurdles that stumble us along the path of hoping can mean that it's not worth hoping? That it's time to stop? Or perhaps hope is just a temporary mechanism to help human passing through some period of time and after some time has passed, yet the hope still unfulfilled, the new set of hopes are made just to pass through another moment? Then can we say that hope is virtual or just a "quasi" sort of things? Well, it's up to you to interpret whatever vibe the universe is sending you through the expectations and the clues that circles around the hope you're having. For me, I'm done hoping.
-LSy-
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